Self Realization Continues (Chapter Something)

The following is just an illustration of the random things that have gone through my mind for the last hour. A measure of self realization will follow from what I hope to see within it...


I suppose from recent actions many view me as a tyrant... I understand the perspective and shared opinions... If anything, many only see the rage that fills me... Simply put I have always encouraged whatever judgement passed on me... My desire to be seen as conceited or angry or just simply the guy who thinks he is the shit has always been my tool to prevent people from convoluting my life with their bullshit... However... This weekend I just had, made me realize something... Jumping off that mountain and not knowing if I would break my head on the way down really got me thinking... while staring at the approaching jagged rocks and my reflection on the dark waters....

Sure I don’t just share with anyone and I still believe, like most things on the internet, most people are just shit. Yes, I am not without faults, deceiving so many into believing I am simply a complete sod with an alpha male complex that could be considered all rep and no brain... And I judge most people a waste of my fucking time within 5 minutes of them being in my presence... Purely for the lack of desire to have mental and emotional vampires flock around me...

It is rather strange that when a man is faced with his own death or simply the realization of his mortality... That, perspective can shift into overdrive and the awareness of what is important and what matters really sink in like the first breach of the water’s surface going 30KM/H... So then I ask myself... What matters to me.. Success... Power... Money... Women... Neither of these things have ever kept my interest long enough to facilitate or even manifest a desire so great in me that I was ever willing to spend a life time chasing after it... I read somewhere once... “Some People chase the competition, others chase the dream” ... I mean really, it made so much sense...

So there I sat... on the rocks beneath the waterfall nursing my now bruised body and strained mind with questions of where to from here... Reminiscence, like staring over the cliff... Wondering about what lay and wait beneath the dark waters of the mountain valley... Then it clicked in me... Here I am (again I might add) attempting to jump off a cliff into the unknown when all it is that I find myself being is unchallenged... Just drifting along against the tide up river, yet to passive for my own liking and ability... sure it can be argued that to go against the tide one still requires force and effort but if against the current is all I have ever known and wanted then surely anyone can understand...

Just as the uncertainty lay before me, stood obstacles I would face, things I would not say, feelings I would not feel... yet at some point I have lived most of them over and over again, in fact I may have lived all of them... Round and round then down the rocks again... from cliff to cliff like the setting moss under the shattering water. Green, moist, uncanny yet somehow beautiful in its own right.... My thoughts my understanding my perspective... restored....

It was me, who I am what I am, my challenge, my adversary... What is it I wanted? Who else but me could provide for such needs... what is it I needed... Sure I shave away from my own persona to allocate myself into groups that require less of something... but I do this so that I may shave from them and thus reveal the empty shallow pools that remain only to be filled with contempt... for lack of or rather overcompensation by means of alternate substances...

Over and over these unrelenting thoughts bombarded my mind with the eagerness to educate like that of the energy of adolescence... What does it all mean...? Who even cares, the world I live in and that of which I subscribe to is clearly not the reality show and portrayed around me... Trivia of when where and how the world became so small no longer vexes my mind. I have gained enough understanding for the inability and excuses of the masses and their everyday yard sale of souls for another ornament of earthly value... suddenly my twisted perspective shifts in and views what is meant to be so beautiful and desired for similar to that of an over flowing public stall freshly used near the closest truck stop by the overweight and mentally obese social parasites...

I care so little for these people and what they add to the world... more visual pollution for the intake of unborn consciousness... Brainwashing the embryos of fresh minds with insecurities... yet providing enough plaster to mask the wounds of their doing... Praise society so many cry... the “they” group that so many speak of and adhere to... oh but to be part of the elite... Yet so scared dwell your worshipers... Social media... the glass between reflection and rejection... to see without taking the plunge, but that’s a subject for a later stage... after all this was about where to...

So... Let’s wait for the next rambling storm to add or conclude the growth of this stranger’s mentality....